Until then, I had never used the word ‘exile.’ When I supported the North Korean system, I dreamed of reunification led by North Korea. However, I thought of North and South Korea as a whole as my motherland, not just North Korea. And now that I had crossed over to South Korea and set myself against the North Korean leaders and their system, it was only natural that I would regard the whole country as my motherland, but with South Korea as the main body.
The problem there was whether I should regard North Korea or South Korea as the main body for reunification. That may produce differences of opinion, but no Korean would ever disagree with regarding the whole of Chosun (Korea) as his or her motherland.
Then, why did they have to call it exile when I was only crossing from North to South within my motherland? That was my complaint. Sheltering in a foreign country after betraying one’s motherland would be exile.
However, according to international law, North and South Korea are two separate, sovereign nations, so it is internationally recognized as exile. Although I was unsatisfied with that, I did not have any choice but to accept it.
To make matters worse, Deng Xiaoping passed away. Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il criticized Deng as a traitor, calling him the Chinese Khrushchev, but I believe that Deng Xiaoping was a true hero who saved China from following the same track as the Soviet Union.
I felt sorry for not sharing the sorrow of my Chinese friends, who had suffered an event of national mourning. If I were in Pyongyang as International Secretary, I would have persuaded Kim Jong Il to go to the Chinese embassy in Pyongyang and pay his condolences no matter what. A few days later I heard that Kim never did offer his condolences. I thought he was acting like an immature and unreasonable youngster.
On March 7, I heard news that Chinese Foreign Minister Qian Qichen had announced that, after investigation, China had decided to deal with me and Deok Hong according to international laws and customs for the security and peace of Korea.
Sometime later, the South Korean administration reported to China that they needed to make Deok Hong and me stay in a third country for more than one month. On March 14, I was told that Premier Li Peng had held a press conference in order to release the Chinese stance on our case.
Time passed by in insecurity and anxiety. Eating didn’t feel like eating at all and sleeping, too, was nothing like sleeping. On March 15, I was told that the South Korean and Chinese government negotiators had agreed to send us to the Philippines.
The embassy employees comforted us, saying, “Time will solve the matter.”
That was, of course, right. I knew it too. But it was both fearful and sad for me.
The South Korean government’s tireless efforts and the Chinese government’s consideration allowed us to leave for the Philippines on March 18 of 1997. Whether in Beijing or the Philippines, the fact that I was away from my family did not change, but for some reason I did not feel that way. I guess I was subconsciously comforting myself with the fact that I was not far away from Pyongyang, where my loving family remained.
So having to leave for the Philippines made me miss my family even more. I felt like someone was slitting my whole body with a razor. I was determined to overthrow Kim Jong Il and his followers who starve the people to death and manipulate the fate of our nation out of their greed for power. And I was confident that I could do it. However, unlike past days that had glowed with confidence, I started to worry that something had gone wrong from the start.
My eldest daughter had always said she would write a historical literary work with the ideology I was developing, and my second daughter was innovating in immunology studies. They had promising futures, and I was crushing their hopes. Could I successfully do something more precious than everything my daughters would do, put together? The fact that what I had done could not be morally justified, and that it would be even worse than killing myself back in Pyongyang if I did not succeed, pressured me. I was suffering from thoughts that if I ever killed myself before doing my duty for the people then my sin would only grow bigger.
