It had started raining early in the morning. I had been awake all night, which of course made my eyes hurt. As soon as the bell rang, I headed for the Logging section, trying to calm myself down a little.
“Hey, your eyes are red,” Ki Chul the caterer said in welcome, “you couldn’t sleep last night, could you?”
The section head took my hand and made me sit down beside him. It was obvious that he felt sad. What could I say? I looked around the cell. I had spent five years of my precious youth here in this cell. Prisoners about to be released were positioned in the Chores section a week before their release. Even though I had been moved to the Chores section, I visited my cell everyday. Finally, this was my very last visit.
Soon my eyes welled up. I hadn’t cried in front of my section members for so long, but at that moment I did. The wooden mat that only the section head could use, the hangers for wooden cards of Kim Il Sung and Kim Jong Il, the clothes rack that nobody ever used, the wooden lamp support, the toilet door, the regulations board and many more. I was the one who had made all of these things. I slowly looked at the section members, who were all looking at me. Kim Hyuk Chul, Kim Kwang Bok, Lee Sung Il, Han Sung Nam, Kim Keum Chul and Kang Ho were all younger than me, 58 year old Lim Ho the eldest of all, Lee Ki Chul, Song Sang Ho and all the other caterers and freshmen. Those who had died also passed through my mind. Young Nam came to me faster than anyone else, and I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. The section head and section members were all congratulating me, but my tears continued to fall.
“Jun Ha, stop crying. You shouldn’t be the one crying. Haha, no matter how hard you try, you are still a kid! You’re just like a three year old boy! You’re like a kid who keeps crying because he doesn’t want to be away from his father.”
The section head had said that to brighten up the atmosphere a bit, but his eyes were filled with tears too. The section members stood silently with their heads bowed.
“Everyone, take care. I hope everyone gets home alive.”
When breakfast began, everyone calmed down. Ki Chul the caterer brought my rice from the Chores section and the food the Catering head Yang Myung Hak sent more in from the back window of the cell. It was the 32 scoops of rice I had specially requested a day before. I didn’t eat that much and gave my share to Ki Chul. I went into the toilet with the section head and smoked with him for the last time.
A day before I had looked back my life at the prison and thought of things to tell my section members. However, I couldn’t speak until they had to go to work. I held each member’s hands and said goodbye. The section head and other members all went out, until only 6 exempt people were left. I still remember the conversation so clearly.
“Sung Il! I hit you a bunch for not working well. I’m really sorry. If you have any hard feelings toward me, tell me.”
Everyone comforted me, saying they didn’t feel anything like that. I don’t know what they really felt deep inside, but I was so grateful to them for putting it that way. How could they be totally free from hard feelings? There wasn’t a single person who hadn’t been hit by me.
“You fed everyone in our section. Whether it was enough or not, it’s not easy to get a scoop of rice! You hit us because you had a responsibility as foreman. You never hit anyone who worked hard and behaved properly.”
“Thank you.” I was grateful that they had spoken that way.
About 10 in the morning, I heard someone was looking for me.
“Jun Ha! The release guidance officer is looking for you!”
All six of them were glad for me and pushed me out. I shook their hands and left.
“Jun Ha, you’re finally getting released!” It was Jong Hak the drunkard security guard.
“Yes, sir,” I replied.
He congratulated me as I bowed my head.
“Don’t hurry. I will wait for you outside the gate.”
I went to the dining room and prepared some new clothes. When I changed into my new military uniforms and combat boots everyone shouted with joy. When I went out of the building, all the prisoners who were working within the walls came out to say goodbye. It was raining so hard, and yet they didn’t care. I used to envy those getting released, just like them. Now I had put up with all the pain and finally I was getting out of this hell. Of course everyone was envious. The logging section members were working inside because of the rain, but they all came out to say goodbye to me.
I heard the gate creak open. The rain seemed misty. In amongst the rain, I felt tears streaming down my face. I took a step outside the gate and turned to wave to the other prisoners.
Tens of people waved and shouted, but with a crash the gate closed and their voiced started to fade away. With the closed gate in front of me, I was dumbfounded for a moment. The prison gate I had watched for five years. I couldn’t believe that I was finally facing the gate from outside the prison. Painful memories were making my release even more meaningful. Like a kid who wins a fight but still cries, I shed tears. I felt proud of myself for overcoming all the hardships, but at the same time I also felt guilty for leaving the dead behind and going back home alone. The military uniform was wet in no time, and muddy water soaked my combat boots.
I continued to look back on my way home. I couldn’t resist the feeling that a gun was following me. I was all by myself in the rain, but I couldn’t stop myself from looking back. ‘What if the gate opens and the sentry calls me back to the prison?’ I thought. It felt like a dream that I hadn’t gotten injured and got out of the prison, safe and healthy. I cried, laughed, screamed, kicked stones on the road, ran and looked back. Just like a crazy person, I left the valley. However I stood on the last curve where the prison gate could be seen for a long time. Looking at Mt.Bulmang, I felt like crying again.
“Prison! Five years ago you swallowed me with that gate, but I finally opened it and walked out on my own two feet. I will never have to see you again. Someday, your mouth will be bombed. And when that day comes, I will make sure that I crush you myself. You burned so many people on Mt. Bulmang and left such pains in millions of mothers and children. I will crush you!”
I put my hand in my pocket and found a 50 won note. The release guidance officer had given it to me for transportation along with my release certificate. The only money I had after five years in prison was 50 won. At that time, 50 won was worth five pieces of candy. Before I was admitted to prison, a candy cost one won. However a new economic system had been implemented and that had reduced the value of my money massively.
I went to Jongeu-ri to get some water, but people must have thought I was weird for wearing a military uniform without a shoulder strap because they kept avoiding me. I had constantly kept myself updated about society through the freshmen I had met in prison, but people in the society I was facing seemed different. Their clothing and hygiene seemed to be a little better than when there was no distribution at all, but I felt like there was no warmth in their faces. They were all worn out.
Thankfully, old ladies didn’t seem to be affected by the mood of the times and treated me kindly. I told them my situation, and one of them said “this is what my husband smokes, but the quality isn’t going to be so good” and gave me tobacco leaves. I gave her the 50 won to show my gratitude, but she refused to take it. I thanked her and took the 300g of tobacco leaves. I wrapped the tobacco in plastic and buried it under the spot where the section head and I had promised. Next time, when the section head went to Wongol to cut down trees, he would have found the tobacco leaves. I had done everything I could for my friends in prison. The only thing to do now was to go back home.
